Wednesday 17 January 2007

The Commitee for the Formation of Pagan Creation Theories

The scene: a darkened amphitheatre,
the centre stage bare but for the lone poet,
the spotlight his at last.
He raises soulful eyes to heaven and quoth he
'In the beginning, you see
there was this god called He
and She was his wife. In boredom
they created their own offspring,
and thus it all began'

The muttering from the back grows louder
-'Ballcocks! ' a learned colleague calls.
Standing with the righteous wrath
of six halves and two chasers
'In the beginning there was
the Great Mother Cow,
and She created the Great Bull
by whom she had the Heifers of Plenty
everyone knows that'

'the elegant repartee of the Lady Principle
of the Esteemed College of Bards and Ovates
interjects with her customary pith.
'That shit? you think that's how it all began?
My good man, you obviously forget
We bards know it best. Danu and Dagda
carried the world in a bag til their Bowling night,
and they needed a strike to stay on top of the league
And we are hurtling through space as a result,
our mission is to win them first place.'

Togas flapping, she is soon drowned out
by the combined wrath of the Roman school
with some support from the Greeks
who are chanting 'Zeus' and making rude gestures
indicating virility; Homer has Plato on his shoulders
and both are trying to headbutt
the Master of the College at Byzantium.
In the melee, the Egyptians manage
to shout something about dungbeetles
laying eggs in the sky
and ugly big jackal-headed mothers.

The Amazonian tribes politely submit their views
ignoring the vulgar jeers of the Phoenicians
who smile the other side of their faces
when the Norsemen decide they can't hear over them
and decide to make a stand for public manners
mainly on Pheonician heads.
Snorri Snugglesbum, Master Saga writer,
challenges the hall
to proove it was not Odin, on a Tuesday, in the Library, with
the candlestick.

At last the dust settles, another robust debate
abated. The Committee for the Formation
of Pagan Theory of Creation
surveys the scene with complacent eyes -
'Well that was interesting ' The chairman sighs happily'
Same time next week, lads?
and someone else can bring the biscuits'


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